About Me

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Seattle, Washington, United States
I'm an old time roleplayer who became a soldier who became a veteran who became a developer who became a dba who became a manager who never gave up his dream of a better world. Even if I have to create it myself.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Book Review. Yea, that book.

You may recall my mentioning of a certain unmentionable book.

I only read it out of a deep desire...
to serve the public.
Here's my review of The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 by Carlton Mellick III.

From the back cover: "ARE YOU READY TO PLAY SOME DUNGEONS AND FUCKING DRAGONS?" And in case you were wondering - perverts - yes, the dragons do. It self-advertises itself as an absurd comedy, which is a pretty fair summary.

If you've ever wanted to explore "deep cavernous meat tunnels" with sexually active goblins, then this is the novella for you.  It is large print, 215 pages long, and heavily illustrated with some unfortunately unforgettable sketches.  I recommend closing your eyes while reading this book.

The best part of the book is probably the DM's little sister, Jenny. She plays a bard and, in fine RP fashion, makes up her spells as she goes. Examples include grow pretty flowers everywhere and turn all monsters into happy dancing leprechauns that want to be best friends with everyone.  Surprisingly, one of those spells actually works.

The author was kind enough to include D&D 3e-style descriptions for some of her spells.  Here's an example.

Create Magical Tea Party (Alteration)
Level: 1Components: V, S, M
Range: 0Casting Time: 1 turn
Duration: 15 turnsSaving Throw: none

This spell makes a magic tea party appear with delicious strawberry tea and pink cupcakes and fairies and talking animals that are invited to the tea party and sing and have cute outfits and hats too.

The author was also nice enough to include all the dungeon maps and NPC character sheets, so aspiring DMs can easily reenact all of their favorite scenes.


1 comment:

  1. Does it come with cheap 70's mood music to get everyone into the "swing" of things?

    I thought I was bad finding it in the first place.


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